Darkest thoughts

Remember that mom who drowned her babies,
to save them from the world?
It worked, right?
Her babies went straight to heaven.
But she sold her soul to the devil in the process.
What deals will
I have to make with the devil when
my cries go unanswered . . .
Father in Heaven, please, please,
please, can't you just help the baby sleep through the night?
I'm so very tired . . .
I'm the one facedown in the bathtub.
Drowning in my own inability.
But I always raise my head,
gasping for air,
but living.
For one more day living.
Even in my darkest thoughts,
I want to be with my babies
for today
for always
So they are safe
I am safe
No contacts signed in their blood or mine
As I stagger,
gasping
through one more day.